Feeling out of Place

2024-04-12

I often find myself visiting The dictionary of Obscure Sorrows which I probably found from some post on r/InternetIsBeautiful. I really relate to some of the words on there. But the site doesn't have a function to look at random words, so I'm always scrolling past words I've looked at before. There are 119 pages, and I don't want to scroll for that long. I want to express a feeling that I think would have a definition on the dictionary. I when to a Blues Traveler concert this weekend, and was granted backstage access because I knew someone who was related to someone in the band. I really like Blues Traveler, and I was so anxious walking around behind the stage. Super great experience and I even meet some members of the band. Anyways while doing all of this I had the worst "feeling of out of place"-ness. Like the only reason I'm here is because I just knew someone, and I didn't feel like I deserved this treatment, similar to an impostor syndrome. I was displacing time in these artist lives that I felt like I shouldn't have been. Why should they even know me? It kind of like how celebrities talk about if they gave every fan their full attention then they wouldn't have enough time in the day. And here I am taking up what would be an extremely expensive experience for free. Kind of like if you have a para-social relationship, but you actually get to meet the person. But I am so happy that I got to be their anyways. I wish I knew of a word to describe this feeling.